For years our world has been falling apart
by ComingTogether
Summary: "We made a hell of a team back there." His own words are echoing in his head. He doesn't know why he hasn't put this town in his rearview mirror or why he's sitting in the Impala with a dead engine a few blocks from Sammy's apartment.


Pilot

"_We made a hell of a team back there."_  
His own words are echoing in his head. He doesn't know why he hasn't put this town in his rearview mirror or why he's sitting in the Impala with a dead engine a few blocks from Sammy's apartment.

Now he is lying to himself. Of course he knows why he hasn't left yet. He had felt the hollow hole in his gut when Sam had said that he needed to get back to Stanford. Even though Sam had told him that from the beginning a part of Dean hadn't been able to help itself; it had still hoped that Sam would change his mind. The little piece of hope had been crushed when Sam had gotten out of the car. At that same moment the hole in his stomach had increased and it now took up the space of his whole abdomen and chest. Dean hadn't gotten very far before he had been forced to pull over.

This is where he sits now, not far from Sammy's house, trying to fix the hole in his chest which is getting bigger by the second. Dean can't do this alone. He doesn't want to. He had gone to Sam not just because he had needed help with finding dad, but also because he didn't want to be alone and left behind. But that's exactly what happened. First it had been Dad who had left without a word, leaving Dean alone. And now it is Sammy's turn to choose school and a new family over his own blood.

He would be lying if he said that he wasn't jealous, because he was. But at the same time he was happy for his brother. Sam deserved to be happy. Hell, if he didn't deserve it then Dean didn't know who did. Dad had made Sam grow up too fast and he'd put too much on his shoulders. Of course he'd done the same thing to Dean, but he could handle it better, Dean embraced and accepted the life. Sam had always wanted to do something different.  
Dean wasn't ever going to tell him this but he had always admired Sam for standing up to dad, even if it had led to breaking up the family.

Sam had now found happiness and who the hell gave Dean the right to take that away from him? But then again, didn't Dean also deserve some happiness? He hadn't been happy since Sam had stormed off to Stanford four years ago.

It's not as if he hadn't tried. The first couple of months Dean had been able to cope by staying drunk and having sex. But eventually the person beneath him always turned into Sam and Dean stroked Sam's hair, felt Sam's hands on his body, saw Sam's gaze meet his own. At first he recoiled from the image but after some time he accepted the fact that he wouldn't be able to get Sam out of his head.

He knows that their family hadn't exactly been the Brady's but Dean had been happy. He'd always thought that whatever happened, he and Sam would always have each other. That had been more than enough for Dean but Sam had wanted more.

Then again what was it that said the he and Jess couldn't share Sam? Maybe Sam could balance hunting with his apple-pie-life, maybe over time they could go back to how things had used to be. The more Dean thinks about it the better it sounds. The least he can do is pitch the idea to Sam.

Before he has the time to reconsider everything Dean starts the engine to the Impala and drives the short way back to Sam's place. The pain in Dean's chest is already slipping away as happiness starts to take its place. He pulls up at the side walk and throws himself out of the car. He almost forgets to shut off the engine. Dean bursts through the door and he's so elated that he runs up all the flights of stairs to Sam and Jess' apartment.

At the door he freezes. What if Sam rejects him, and chooses Jess over him once again? Can he handle that? But then again, if he doesn't do anything, he'll never know right?

And besides, Dean needs his family. Ever since they were kids he's done everything for his family. Always watched out for Sammy, always followed orders but it still hadn't been enough. Screw them if they don't need him, he needs them. He needs _Sam_.

He's only human; he can afford to be selfish. And yet, here he is, hesitating. That's when he hears Sam's scream.

"NO!" The words are followed by a roar. Before Dean knows it he has kicked open the door. At first all he sees is darkness. For a split second Dean thinks he's imagined Sam's scream.  
"Sam!" he yells. Sam doesn't answer him but he runs in the direction of the next outcry.  
"Jess!" Dean bursts into a room of fire. He only has eyes for Sam where he lies in the middle of the room on a bed screaming Jess' name.

"Sam! Sam!" Dean can't understand why Sam isn't doing anything to get away from the growing flames. Suddenly it hits him. He follows Sam's gaze and sees a body on fire pinned to the ceiling.

The memories which have haunted him for years come rushing back as they threaten to suffocate him. Just like so many years before he feels the heat, the roaring of flames and the protectiveness surge up inside of him.

He snaps out of his reverie as he lungs himself at Sam, pulls him off the bed and pushes him out of the room, all while Sam keeps screaming Jess' name.

All around them are fire trucks and police cars. The colors blue and red take turns to light up everything around them. The scene from Dean's memory from 22 years earlier is eerily familiar to the one he's looking at now.

It's the same smell of smoke in the air, the same orange glow coming from the building and the same panicked voices all around.

Dean tears his gaze away from the burning building and sees Sam stand next to the impala's trunk examining a sawed-off shotgun.

The small seed of hope that had been crushed earlier returns without Dean being able to stop it and he feels sick with himself. Hope isn't what you're supposed to feel when your brother's girlfriend just died. But you can't control your emotions and Dean would be lying if he said he felt nothing but sorrow.

He tries to hide the hope he's feeling when he walks over to where Sam stands but he fails at hiding the curiosity from his eyes as he waits for what he will do next. Sam doesn't acknowledge Dean's presence in any way; he's still looking at the sawed-off. After a moment he throws it in the trunk with the rest of the weapons and Dean looks at him expectantly.

"We've got work to do", is all that he says but Dean can't help the happiness that explodes in his chest.


End file.
